Mladite si mugurasi de mai-iunie 2008 (147)

belleane spune:

luminel: de la afta face grimasa. Parca auzeam de afta sau visez? Sau pot fi ganglioni inflamati.
Si la mine maica-mea a fost tot timpul criticul meu si al sora-mii desi nu ne-a batut. Mie mi-a pasat de criticile astea fix pana in momentul in care mi-am dat seama ca greseste si nu vrea sa se corecteze. Eu mi-am facut pe atunci multi prieteni si eram tot timpul ocupata tocmai pentru a-mi dovedi mie ca ea greseste. Apoi am devenit independenta si am inceput sa o mint sistematic. Si acum are tendinta sa ne critice si nu=i place nimic din ce facem sau gaseste tot felul de defecte lucrurilor, fetelor mele, e tare negativista si ma deprima.

belleane spune:

Mihaiser- Stii cumva adresa exacta?

aldaesme spune:

Multi ani traiasca, multi ani traiasca Laaa muuulti aaaaani! Sa-ti fie viata vesela si fericita alaturi de toti cei dragi draga Diana!!!

Doar pentru a exemplifica cam cum se poate intelege...Eu inteleg de aici ca daca nu mi-am lovit copilul macar o data...fiindca nu stiu ce ar face as fi "ipocrita". sau fiindca stiu ca nu e personal...as inteleg ca la modul general cele care nu isi lovesc copii, sau care au facut doar o data si se caiesc amarnic "sunt ipocrite".
Personal nici una din palmele pe care le-am primit in copilarie nu mi-o amintesc cu placere si m-au sechelat cam in aceeasi masura cu "fiica lu' ala a ieist a doua la nationala...!" atat voiam sa zic si eu ca sa clarific un lucru...ca nu mi-am lovit niciodata copilul si sper sa nu ajung acolo.

Pedeapsa corporala in afara de sechele psihice recunoscute sau nu pot da o serie intreaga de sechele fizice. Si nu, nu trebuie sa lovesti tare ca sa distrugi sau modifici tesuturile unui copil. Stiti ca o mare parte din cazurile de dezlipiri de retina la copii vin din palme peste fata sau capsor? Nu pumni, nu cu forta, palme lejere spre medii. Stiti ca o mare parte din contuziile cerebrale la copil provin din palme si alte soiuri de lovituri parintesti in zona capului? Stiti ca o mare parte din probleme la coloana la copil provin din palme la nivelul spatelui si al gatului? Stiti cat de usor se poate disloca soldul unui copil? Imi cer mii de scuze daca aveti impresia ca sunt deplasata. Eu cred ca nu sunt. Sunt deacord ca fiecare parinte stie mai bine, sper insa ca mai bine ala nu va mai contine niciodata bataia. Nu judec pe nimeni ca nu-i locul meu, dar daca tot ne informam despre diete si ce sa manacam ca sa ne fie noua si lor bine cred ca ne putem informa si despre chestii din astea.

fug, astept borcanele mai tarziu...acu' studenti,

Esme

Lorich spune:

Esme eu din mesajul asta

am inteles ca Luminel se referea ca ea insasi nu e ipocrita , pt ca fraza se continua cu asta


asa e, cand citesti ceva se poate intelege in mai multe feluri.(hehhe..ce analiza pe text am facut)

Andrada e vb de cartea dr. Mencinicopshi, "Si noi ce mai mancam"

Gabi eu zica sa nu renunti asa usor, o sa vezi ca o sa gasesti multe info utile despre fiecrae aliment in parte, multe multe, iar nenea nu vorbea de grasi sau slabi ci de sanatosi. Cica ar fi tare bine sa in intoarcem la obiceiurile strabunilor nostri, care taiau gaina duminica, nu ca noi care suntem intr-o perpetua ceremonie alimentara

Ma duc sa vad ce-i mai dau micului mofturici.

Lori, mami de Robert din 9.06.2008


Copilul nu datoreaza parintelui viata, ci cresterea (N.Iorga)

Luminel spune:

Esme, ai inteles total gresit si imi pare rau...n-am vrut nici o clipa sa spun ca cine nu-si bate copii e ipocrit...eu vorbeam strict de mine si am vrut sa spun ca nu sunt prefacuta incat sa vin sa ma plang la voi si sa-mi pun cenusa in cap ca mi-am batut fata prima oara cand de fapt nu a fost prima oara...doar ca acum am dat fara sa incerc macar sa ma controlez si fara motiv, ceea ce m-a marcat...nu fac apologia bataii, dar uneori mai e de folos si o palmita mica...si nu cred ca asta dauneaza chiar atat de rau unui copil...bineinteles ideal ar fi sa nu-l lovesti deloc, dar si daca se intampla de doua-trei ori, rar, nu-i un capat de tara...totul e sa fie "constructiv", ca sa zic asa...nu snopeala in bataie si nu fara motiv.
Sper ca m-am facut inteleasa acum...si ca esti singura care ai inteles gresit

Lumi, mami de bombonica Elena Cristiana (26.05.2008)

www.onetruemedia.com/otm_site/view_shared?p=733a9f9f274d6633afc942" target="_blank">Montaj

Doloress spune:

Eu nu judec pe nimeni, sa stiti, niciodata nu mi-am permis, fiecare vine cu un bagaj si o experienta, cu o anume mentalitate si atata timp cat nu aud de copii batuti si maltratati cu regularitate si cat timp vad ca mamicile de aici nu gasesc ceva normal in bataie, nu dau cu rosii. Dar si eu ca Esme, zic ca e bine sa schimbam opinii pe tema asta, e bine sa ne perfectionam, sa incercam in fiecare zi sa fim mame mai bune pentru piticii nostri. Numai ei au de castigat.

Si eu sunt de aceeasi parere cu pedeapsa corporala, ca nu trebuie niciodata sa recurgem la ea, sub nici o forma. Dar asta sunt eu si familia mea, nu-mi permit sa-mi impun opinia. De aceea am recunoscut ca singura si ultima data cand am dat in Patrick s-a rupt ceva in mine (si in el, ii vad si acum fatzuca uimita si umilita!) Si mi-am promis ca nu se va mai repeta niciodata, pana acum am reusit sa ma tin de cuvant!
Palmuta cat de mica ar fi ea cred eu ca distruge ceva in sufeltul copilului in primul rand. Il face sa se simta inferior, neputincios, ii distruge self-esteemul. Ca sunt copii rezilienti (sper ca exista cuvantul, imi vine numai in franceza) care sunt capabili sa treaca peste asta foarte usor, copii cu o structura sufleteasca puternica si care in orice conditii cat de vitrege ar ajuge aceeasi adulti stapani pe sine, echilibrati si impacati cu sine, e foarte adevarat.
Dar sunt si copii super-sensibili pentru care orice forma de violenta echivaleaza cu sfarsitul lumii. Asa cum am fost eu de exemplu. Care am luat o singura data in viata bataita de la mama si imi aduc si acum aminte si mereu ii amintesc si ei si ii reprosez, imi aduc aminte pana si cu ce era ea imbracata si cu ce eram eu imbracata. Si ce-am simtit in ziua aceea nu as mai vrea sa simt veci. Nu durere fizica, pentru ca nu m-a batut tare, dar umilinta, umilinta foarte mare…Si nu cred ca merita nimeni pe lume sa fie umilit.
Acum nu am cum sa stiu ce fel de om va fi Patrick, insa dupa cum incepe sa tremure si sa planga numai cand suntem putin obositi si tracasati (nici macar n-avem nimic cu el, ne certam noi doi, astia mari) imi dau seama ca e hipersensibil si ca preia imediat orice energie negativa. Asa ca prefer sa ma bag eu cu capul sub dus decat sa dau in el.

Sper sa nu dati cu rosii, de aici suntem aici, sa schimbam opinii, sa invatam unele de la altele, eu in nici un caz nu-mi permit sa cred ca detin adevarul absolut. Poate gresesc.
Asa ca va pup pe toate si sper sa va suparati pe mine!

Victoria_mami spune:

Mi_bebelina, LA MULTI ANI!

LORI, te rog frumos, poti sa dezvolti? Ca daca pe mine ma streseaza ceva, e faptul ca Victoria NU papa carne, decat daca o mai pacalesc eu si ii bag in gurita 2-3 bucatele, si chiar si atunci de multe ori le scuipa... Multumesc.

_
Mami de Printesa Victoria Isabella 22.05.2008

Victoria Isabella, Printesa Noastra Perfecta!

Alysh spune:

Fetelor, nu cred ca tre' sa ne scuzam atat pt ca avem opinii diferite. Sunt numai fete destepte aici pe forum, capabile, sunt convinsa, sa asculte si o alta opinie decat cea personala.

Doloress, mi-a placut f mult ceea ce ai scris....i-am citit si sotului meu care e de alta parere, nici el adeptul bataii dar considera ca o palma cand ne sfideaza la nesfarsit nu strica.

Cert e ca nu l-as umili pe Vlad nicioadata in public. Asta mi se pare cu adevarat grav si asta cred ca ar marca un copil. Sa-l dai o palma de fatza cu alt copil, adult.
Cand se intampla in intimitatea dintre tine si el nu mi se pare atat de grav. El te cunoaste bine, stie ca-l iubesti, simte ca-l iubesti si poate, nu stiu, isi da seama ca o faci spre binele lui. Nu constient, bineinteles.
Am cunoscut multi copilasi...unii scapati complet de sub control, pt care nu mai exista nici o varianta decat cea a unui psiholog probabil. De-asta cred ca e bine sa impui niste limite......si nu prin bataie, clar, dar cateodata cand ajungi la capatul solutiilor, o palmutza simbolica nu cred ca strica. Sau poate, da, nu stiu....depinde f mult si de copil, asa cum spune si Doloress.

Au plecat baietii mei si am o tona de treaba...dar m-am asezat la filosofat. Adevarul e ca sunt asa de insetata sa mai aflu pareri, experiente....pt ca si eu ca oricare dintre voi imi doresc sa-mi crec cat mai bine copilul, astfel incat sa devina un adult echilibrat si bun si adaptat la societatea asta in care traim.

ALI, mami de Vlady si 24+ cu Luca

Alysh spune:

Mihaser, e buna mancarea la INEMRCM. Sa-mi spui daca are tatal tau nevoie de ajutor acolo. Pup

Ah si vezi ca institutul s-a mutat din Romului in Panduri. De la gara de nord la eroilor cu metroul si apoi o masina inca vreo doua statii, dar nu stiu exact care, ma pot interesa.

ALI, mami de Vlady si 24+ cu Luca

Doloress spune:

Alysh nu stiu, poate ai dreptate. Eu imi aduc aminte ca bataia in copilarie am luat-o de fata cu sora-mea si cu inca o pritena de familie, deci pot spune ca a fost in public. Pentru ca nu voiam sa le las pe ele sa asculte placile preferate la pick-up, voiam sa pun povesti, ele erau mari si voiau sa asculte muzica. Si ele ma lasera insa eu nu mai voiam sa le las si pe ele, asa ca am incasat-o. Insa sunt sigura ca mama avea multe pe cap si ca efectiv s-a descarcat. Mi-aduc aminte ca ii parea rau mai apoi si inca ii pare rau.

Uitati un articol interesantm despre tantrumuri, e cam lung insa merita citit, mai ales cele cu copii agitati ca Patrick al meu :

Most toddlers throw temper tantrums. It's a typical stage of child development. To understand why your toddler throws a fit, put yourself in his place. A toddler has an intense desire to do things, but his mental and motor skills have developed more quickly than his ability to communicate. Because he doesn't yet have the verbal skills to express his frustration, he does so by throwing tantrums. But you should know that tantrums often come in two flavors: manipulative tantrums and frustration tantrums.

If you feel that your child is using tantrums as a tool to get his own way, give him verbal cues and use body language that says you don't do tantrums. Be aware that toddlers know how to push their parents' buttons. If you are a volatile person, it'll be easy for your child to trigger an explosion from you, ending in a screaming match with no winners. You send a clear message when you ignore his fits or walk away. This teaches him that tantrums are not acceptable. This is part of toddler discipline.

Frustration tantrums, on the other hand, require empathy. Take these emotional outbursts as an opportunity to bond with your child. Offer a helping hand, a comforting "it's okay." Help him out where he feels frustrated at not being able to accomplish a task. This way you establish your authority and build your child's trust. Direct his efforts toward a more manageable part of a task. For example, if he throws one of the common "I'll do it myself" fits about putting on his sock, you slip it halfway onto the foot, and he can pull it on the rest of the way. Sit down with him at eye level and caringly say, "Tell mommy what you want." That encourages him to use words or body language to communicate his feelings and needs so that he doesn't have to act them out in displays of anger.

Identify the trigger
Tantrums are usually at the worse time for parents: when they are on the phone, at the supermarket, or busy in some other way. Think about it. The very circumstances that make a tantrum inconvenient for you are what set your toddler up for an outburst. Keep a tantrum diary, noting what incites your child. Is she bored, tired, sick, hungry, or overstimulated? Watch for pre-tantrum signs. If you notice a few moments before the flare-up that your baby is starting to whine or grumble, intervene before the little volcano erupts.
Don't take it personally
You are neither responsible for his tantrums nor for stopping them. The "goodness" of your baby is not a reflection on your parenting ability. Tantrums are common when a baby starts to strive for independence.

Stay cool
Temper tantrums in public places are embarrassing, often making it difficult to consider a child's feelings. Your first thought is more likely to be "what will people think of me as a parent?" If you feel trapped and embarrassed when your child is throwing a fit in a supermarket, don't lash out. She is already out of control and needs you to stay in control. Just calmly carry her (even if she's kicking and screaming) to a private place, like the bathroom or your car, where she can blow off steam, after which you can quietly settle her down.

Plan ahead
To expect a curious toddler to be the model of obedience in a supermarket when he is tired and hungry is an unrealistic expectation. Shop when you both are rested and fed, and let him be your helper from the safety of his belted shopping-cart seat. The morning is usually the best time for toddler behavior; in the afternoon he's more likely to be tired and hungry.
To help parents gain perspective on the tantrum stage, we've divided fits into "biggies" and "smallies." Staying in the carseat is a biggie. It is non- negotiable and all the theatrics in the world will not free the safety-contained protester. But whether she should wear a red shirt rather than a blue one is a smallie. A clothing mismatch isn't worth a fight.

Occasionally, a very strong-willed child will lose control of himself during a tantrum. If often helps to simply hold him firmly, but lovingly, and say, "You're angry, and you have lost control. I'm holding you because I love you." You may find that after a minute or more of struggle, he melts in your arms as if to thank you for rescuing him from himself.

In general, don't ignore a frustration tantrum. Turning away from her behavioral problems deprives her of a valuable support resource, while you lose the chance to improve your rapport with your tantrumer. Once your toddler develops the language skills to express her needs in words, you'll be able to close the book on the tantrum stage. This usually happens between two and two- and-a-half-years-of-age, depending on your child's language development.

UNDERSTANDING THE TANTRUM-PRONE CHILD
Some kids are more inclined toward tantrums than others. Children with high needs, strong wills, and who have trouble controlling their emotions are more likely to fall into tantrum behavior. They have more difficulty achieving equilibrium, an inner emotional balance that helps people bounce back from life's many setbacks and regain composure. These babies have problems emotionally in two ways: they are more prone to blow their lid, and they are less able to put the lid back on once it has blown.

Some of the traits that make children more prone to tantrums, such as sensitivity, persistence, determination, and creativity, can be very beneficial to a child's intellectual and social development. One of your tasks as a parent is to channel these qualities to happier ends. Now that you appreciate why your usually sweet baby occasionally turns sour, here is how to head off tantrums and deal positively with them when they occur.

Words before action. Words give power over feelings and frustrations. Parents who talk with their babies and toddlers, teaching them language in the daily flow of living, are equipping them to handle the moments of frustration and strong feelings. If a toddler can be given a word or two to say in a moment of conflict, he will often be able to cooperate with you because saying that word gives him mastery over the concept he's struggling with.

3 WAYS TO PREVENT TANTRUMS
1. Practice attachment parenting
We have noticed that infants who are carried a lot and whose cues are sensitively responded to are more mellow, less prone to tantrums, and are able to ride the waves of emotional upsets without falling apart so drastically. Because they operate from an inner peace, they are less prone to impulsive behavior or angry outbursts. Children, however, who are parented with less attachment are less able to recover from emotional storms. Attached parents can read their child so well that they naturally create conditions that minimize tantrum behavior. Practice as many of the attachment styles of parenting as you can, as often as you can. Making it easier to deal with temper tantrums is one of the immediate payoffs of attachment parenting.
2. Minimize the triggers
Tantrums usually occur at the worst time for parents: you are on the phone, at the supermarket, busy with your agenda. Think about it. The very circumstances that make a tantrum inconvenient for you are what set the toddler up for a tantrum. Wise parents avoid situations that lead to emotional overload in their children. Keep a tantrum diary, noting what sets your child off. Is he bored, tired, sick, hungry, or overstimulated? Prepare a behavior chart. Making this chart will help you analyze what you know and observe about your child. Behavior charts also help you create conditions that encourage calm behavior. You may discover that tantrums occur most often before naptime or bedtime, or when parents are busy making dinner. They may happen when you return home from a play date at a friend's house all morning. The chart may show that the child behaved well during meal preparations when he was allowed to help and nibble. Learn from this bit of childhood history so that you don't have to repeat it. When you discover a tantrum-prevention technique that works, use it again.
Even with your best efforts, tantrums will still erupt from time to time. Try to diffuse them early. Know your toddler's pre-tantrum signs - body language that signals the coming storm. Our Lauren has a short fuse. The slightest setback can cause her to fall apart. When she is trying to retrieve a stuck toy from beneath the couch, I stand by and watch as she pulls on the toy, her face getting redder and murmurs some angry sounds. I intervene early, after only one or two unsuccessful attempts on her part to retrieve the toy. Once those murmurs begin, she can no longer think straight. With our children who had more patience at that age, I would stand in the background and let them work on their problem a bit longer. In parenting the tantrum-prone child you must learn to strike a balance, knowing when to stand by and let the child work through the difficulty on her own, and when to intervene. Be careful, though, not to protect your child from ever being frustrated. It would be impossible for parents to arrange life so nicely for a child who is already of a mild temperament that he would not be getting a healthy share of frustration. Then he'll enter the next stage not knowing how to say "no" to himself, or handle frustration . A child will not learn how to solve problems unless he has problems.

3. Know your anger buttons
Some toddlers, behaviors push parents' anger buttons a lot, and some parents have very sensitive buttons. The combination of the tantrum-prone child and a parent with a short fuse is at risk for major conflicts. You'll learn quickly how a mature response to your child's tantrum can mean the difference between your child raging, totally out of control, and your child being normally frustrated. Identify which behaviors cause you to blow easily. Assess how you react to your toddler. If you regress to tantrum behavior yourself, seek professional help to get your buttons reset.

"HELPING TODDLERS HANDLE TANTRUMS
Even after you do your best to create an attitude within your child and structure the environment in your home to prevent tantrums, they still occur. Here's what to do when the little volcano blows, at home, in public, or at Grandma's house:

Don't take it personally. Normal tantrums are a result of your child's development and temperament, not your parenting. Tantrums are due to frustration (your toddler is trying a complicated engineering feat, and howls when it goes wrong), so don't ignore this need for help. Take this tantrum as an opportunity to connect: By helping your child out of a tight spot, you build authority and trust. Offer a helping hand, a comforting "It's okay," and direct his efforts toward a more manageable part of the task (for example, you slip the sock halfway onto the foot, and then he can pull it on all the way).
Verbalize. Children just need to blow off steam. You can help your child by verbalizing for him what he can't say himself: "You are mad that Mommy won't let you have candy."
Holding therapy. Other times, when they have lost control, they want someone bigger and wiser to take hold of them lovingly and securely take charge. Try: "You're angry and I'm going to hold you until you get control of yourself because I love you." Soon the tantrum will fizzle and you will feel your flailing child melt into your arms as if thanking you for rescuing him from himself.
Feel your way through the tantrum
Avoid forceful restraint. If holding makes your child furious and escalates the tantrum, loosen your hold or quit holding. Your child needs support, not anger. (Forcefully holding onto your child when your child needs to release from you is controlling too much.)
The tantrum-throwing child under two will most often need the holding approach. He can't talk about his problems. Your strong arms in place around him give the message that since he's out of control you have stepped in to help him hold himself together. You may or may not be heard, but you can speak softly near his ear with reassuring phrases like "Mama's here. I'll help you. Show me what you need," and so on. Don't coddle and don't allow his kicks and flails to hurt you. If you can't contain him and he hurts you, calmly put him down next to you and stay as close as you can without letting him hurt you. When to hold the child and when to just be on stand-by is a tantrum-by-tantrum call.

Time-out the tantrum. If neither ignoring the tantrum nor comforting it seems appropriate, remove the child from the triggering circumstance and call for a time-out. For example, if your child throws a tantrum in the supermarket, calmly pick him up and head for the car.
For tantrums at grandma's house (often the ones that embarrass parents the most because it is in the presence of their own parents and in-laws that they feel the most scrutinized), it helps if you are able to share your tantrum strategy ahead of time so Grandma knows not to sabotage your approach, and also so she knows you really are in charge of her grandchild and she can just relax and watch you parent. It might be similar to what she did when she was a mom, or it might be very different. But it will help your perspective on things if she says to you something like, "He's just like his dad. I had lots of days like this, and we both survived." Then you can both share a laugh and you may get to hear some wisdom from one who's been there.


HANDLING TANTRUMS IN PUBLIC
Just like at home, kids throw tantrums in public when they don't get their way. Let's say you take your child to the supermarket and he feels he absolutely must have a candy bar. When you say "no", there is a clash of wills that can result in a tantrum. Many public places, such as stores and amusement parks, are overwhelming for children because there are so many things they want but can't have. At home, you can walk away and say, "I'll come back and play with you when you give me your nice voice. If you want to scream, you can go outside." But in public, if your child's volcano erupts, you can't just ignore it because his behavior is disturbing other people.

In a soft voice say, "I know you're upset, but it's time to calm down". Stay in control because if she picks up that her tantrum is getting to you, and it probably is because you're concerned about what other people are thinking, she'll scream even more. Your anxiety reinforces hers. If she doesn't calm down, take her to the car. If she won't walk, carry her. Once there, hold her, look her in the eyes and say, "I know you are out of control. I am in control and am here to help you. I understand you are really upset because you want that candy bar (or whatever else prompted the tantrum), but here are the reasons why you can't have it. We can talk about it more once you calm down. But until you do, we are going to sit here." Eventually, he will get bored sitting there and quiet down.

Even though it seems easier to just give the kid the candy bar and get out of the store, everyone's looking at you, and you're wondering, "What did I do wrong? Mine is the only child out of control." However, your child has to learn that tantrums are not a means to an end, otherwise, he'll pitch a fit the next time you're in a similar situation.

Don't think other people are judging you. Nowadays, with lots of parents on the go with their kids, people are more accepting of public tantrums because they've been there, and if you can remain firm and calm in the face of a tantrum, I think people appreciate it. Yes, a few people may stare, but usually no one will say anything. Just focus on your child, and tune out everyone else. In fact, other shoppers appreciate parents taking a firm stand with their children. One time after saying "no" to our five-year-old, Lauren who wanted a candy bar at the checkout counter, the clerk said to me: "I wish more parents would say "no" to their children."

Plan ahead
"When we're finished shopping, we'll get an ice cream cone. Help mommy finish shopping." Let your child help you pick out canned goods, etc. When little hands are busy, little minds get less upset. Hunger and fatigue can trigger tantrums, so make sure your child is fed and rested before you go out. Boredom can also drive a tantrum. If you're shopping or running an errand, keep her mind and body busy so she won't have time to be bored: "I need you to help mommy pick out a dress."
Parents should also keep a tantrum trigger list – what is it that tends to trigger tantrums in our child – and keep this in mind before you plan an activity.